6 Terrible Kickstarters

First posted 25th February 2014

Crowd-funding as a source of finance took the world by storm when Kickstarter came into the scene, and Clear are all for it. Alternative finance is, after all, our business. Many wonderful things have come about as a result of Kickstarter – the Veronica Mars movie currently shooting, for one thing – but there is the less glamorous side of crowd funding, and these are a few examples.


Amongst the dubious stats of the number of metric tons of watermelon produced in the US (fascinating stuff) is this pretty simple and seemingly-effective design for a watermelon carrier. We’re sure this is a great idea for farmers and produce handlers, but are there enough people carrying watermelons around to have warranted a goal of $25,000?

Clearly not, it ended with only $332 pledged.

Best bit: Reward for pledging $5 or more: “We will send you one Watermelon Strap.” Reward for pledging $50 or more: “We will send you two Watermelon Straps.” Seems fair.


ZionEyez managed to raise $343,415 for their spy-glasses, designed for recording HD videos and uploading them straight onto Facebook. That actually sounds incredibly dull to us, but who are we to judge the 2,106 backers of Eyez. Awful name for a product, incidentally.

Everyone who pledged $150 or more were promised a pair of the glasses, but after missing several deadlines over 2 years, neither hide nor hair (nor lens) has been seen of Eyez. Nor has anything much been seen of ZionEyez, who scarpered with the money and have remained completely silent on the matter.

Also: Kickstarter’s policy is “No refunds."

Best bit: From the comments, “Just got a pair google glasses - putting a closure to zioneyez. lesson learned - cost $150 to never back another project on kickstarter.” Sad really, a heart broken by scammers.


David Seth Cohen (who?) claims that the worst moment of his life was turning down a drink with Adam Sandle, and has apparently spent 15 years living in regret, instead of thanking the fates for his near-miss. The idol worship this guy has for Adam Sandler is diagnosable. We completely understand that the comedian has fans (actually we don’t), but why anyone would want to pay David Seth Cohen (seriously, who?) to try and gain access to Adam Sandler so that the two could have a beer is beyond us.

Worst of all, the project was successful, earning $36,405. HOW?

Best Bit: It was all based on a dream he had living in his Grandmother’s basement


What...? Really? You want people to cough up $5000 so you can photograph some horrifically beefy guys pretending to be Teenage Mutant Ninja Humans? What is wrong with you? It's in their name.

Maybe we should hear what this guy has to say before we judge him though:

"Soon people were asking which other characters I was going to shoot."Are you going to add Shredder?" "What about April? You HAVE to find a hot April to shoot". This is where I started realize how much work this was going to be as the size and scope changed dramatically."

OK. That pretty much seals the deal. Thankfully this one was unsuccessful.

Best bit: "Some characters, like Rae-Ann who will be playing female villian Karai, are extremely busy preparing for a fitness bikini competition."


Humorous toilet paper by the name of “Crap Away”

This one is pretty funny. Tom Nardone appears to be an expert on toilet paper that can make you laugh, which is a rather specific area of expertise if we’re honest. Novelty toilet paper isn’t something we imagine most people see on Kickstarter and think, “you know what I’m missing in my life?”

He didn’t reach his target of $18,700, but all power to you Tom. Keep living the dream.

Best bit: To pledgers of $10 or more, “You and your best friend will get to be the first people in existence to feel the softness of Crap Away.”

 

Pay this man to travel around the world and take photographs to internet cafes

 

No thanks. We’ve never been in an internet café willingly, only when we’ve just run out of money while backpacking so that we can Skype our mums and beg for cash so that we can eat. Every occasion was accompanied by a sense of dread, of suspicion that we were entering a den of illegal activity, and that any moment we were going to be set upon by large threatening men demanding our passports. Or maybe we’re just paranoid.

Either way, this is a pretty blatant attempt to score a free trip around the world. We can’t blame him, it was worth a shot.

Best bit: “0 backers. $0.00 pledged of $50,000 goal.”


David Seth Cohen (who?) claims that the worst moment of his life was turning down a drink with Adam Sandle, and has apparently spent 15 years living in regret, instead of thanking the fates for his near-miss. The idol worship this guy has for Adam Sandler is diagnosable. We completely understand that the comedian has fans (actually we don’t), but why anyone would want to pay David Seth Cohen (seriously, who?) to try and gain access to Adam Sandler so that the two could have a beer is beyond us.

Worst of all, the project was successful, earning $36,405. HOW?

Best Bit: This was all based on a dream he had living in his Grandmother’s basement, which is of course where all the best ideas are born.


What...? Really? You want people to cough up $5000 so you can photograph some horrifically beefy guys pretending to be Teenage Mutant Ninja Humans? What is wrong with you? It's in their name.

Maybe we should hear what this guy has to say before we judge him though:

"Soon people were asking which other characters I was going to shoot."Are you going to add Shredder?" "What about April? You HAVE to find a hot April to shoot". This is where I started realize how much work this was going to be as the size and scope changed dramatically."

OK. That pretty much seals the deal. Thankfully this one was unsuccessful.

Best bit: "Some characters, like Rae-Ann who will be playing female villian Karai, are extremely busy preparing for a fitness bikini competition."


kickstarter_3.jpg

This one is pretty funny. Tom Nardone appears to be an expert on toilet paper that can make you laugh, which is a rather specific area of expertise if we’re honest. Novelty toilet paper isn’t something we imagine most people see on Kickstarter and think, “you know what I’m missing in my life?”

He didn’t reach his target of $18,700, but all power to you Tom. Keep living the dream.

Best bit: To pledgers of $10 or more, “You and your best friend will get to be the first people in existence to feel the softness of Crap Away.”


No thanks. We’ve never been in an internet café willingly, only when we’ve just run out of money while backpacking so that we can Skype our mums and beg for cash so that we can eat. Every occasion was accompanied by a sense of dread, of suspicion that we were entering a den of illegal activity, and that any moment we were going to be set upon by large threatening men demanding our passports.

Or maybe we’re just paranoid.

Either way, this is a pretty blatant attempt to score a free trip around the world. We can’t blame him, it was worth a shot.

Best bit: “0 backers. $0.00 pledged of $50,000 goal.”

 

Vincent Kenny